Hints on Etiquette: A Shield Against the Vulgar (The London Library) - Softcover

Charles William Day wrote etiquette writings under the pseudonym of 'Agogos'. Very little is known about him.
Lewis Carroll (Charles Lutwidge Dodgson) was the writer of the 'Alice' books, as well as being an academic, mathemetician and fan of fair voting systems.

General Observations
Etiquette is the barrier which society draws
around itself as a protection against offences the
“law” cannot touch,—it is a shield against the
intrusion of the impertinent, the improper, and
the vulgar,—a guard against those obtuse persons
who, having neither talent nor delicacy, would be
continually thrusting themselves into the society
of men to whom their presence might (from the
difference of feeling and habit) be offensive, and
even insupportable.
Many unthinking persons consider the observance
of Etiquette to be nonsensical and unfriendly,
as consisting of unmeaning forms, practised only
by the silly and the idle; an opinion which arises
from their not having reflected on the reasons
that have led to the establishment of certain rules
indispensable to the well-being of society, and
without which, indeed, it would inevitably fall
to pieces, and be destroyed.
Much misconstruction and unpleasant feeling
arises, especially in country towns, from not knowing
what is “expected,” or necessary to be done
on certain occasions, resulting sometimes from
the prevalence of local customs, with which the
world in general are not supposed to be acquainted.
Besides, in a mercantile country like England,
people are continually rising in the world.
Shopkeepers become merchants, and mechanics
manufacturers; with the possession of wealth
they acquire a taste for the luxuries of life, expensive
furniture, gorgeous plate, and also numberless
superfluities, with the use of which they are
only imperfectly acquainted. But although their
capacities for enjoyment increase, it rarely happens
that the polish of their manners keeps pace
with the rapidity of their advancement: hence
such persons are often painfully reminded that
wealth alone is insufficient to protect them from
the mortifications which a limited acquaintance
with society entails upon the ambitious. Pride
often deters people from seeking the advice of the
experienced, when the opportunity of receiving
it is presented. It is to be hoped that the following
remarks will furnish a guide through the intricacies
of conventional usage, without risk to the
sensitive, or the humiliation of publicly proclaiming
the deficiencies of an imperfect education.
In all cases, the observances of the Metropolis
(as the seat of refinement) should be received as
the standard of good breeding.
Chap. I. – Introductions
Never “introduce” people to each other, without
a previous understanding that it will be agreeable
to both.
There are many reasons why people ought
never to be introduced to the acquaintance of
each other, without the consent of each party
previously obtained. A man may suit the taste,
and be agreeable enough to one, without being
equally so to the rest of his friends—nay, as it
often happens, he may be decidedly unpleasing; a
stupid person may be delighted with the society
of a man of learning or talent, to whom in return
such an acquaintance may prove an annoyance
and a clog, as one incapable of offering an interchange
of thought, or an idea worth listening to.
But if you should find an agreeable person in
private society, who seems desirous of making your
acquaintance, there cannot be any objection to your
meeting his advances half way, although the ceremony
of an “introduction” may not have taken place;
his presence in your friend’s house being a sufficient
guarantee for his respectability, as of course if he
were an improper person he would not be there.
Should you, whilst walking with your friend,
meet an acquaintance, never introduce them.
If you meet a male acquaintance giving his arm
to a lady, take off your hat to him, instead of nodding—
as this last familiar mode of recognition
looks disrespectful towards her.
In making “introductions,” take care to present
the person of the lower rank to him of the higher;
that is, the commoner should be presented to the
peer, not the peer to the commoner; Dr. A. to Lord
B., not Lord B. to Dr. A. Observe the same rule
with ladies—the lady (as a female) claiming the
highest rank, it is to her the gentleman must be
presented, not the lady to the gentleman.
Be cautious how you take an intimate friend
uninvited even to the house of those with whom
you may be equally intimate, as there is always a
feeling of jealousy that another should share your
thoughts and feelings to the same extent as themselves,
although good breeding will induce them
to behave civilly to your friend on your account.
Friendship springs up from sources so subtle
and undefinable, that it cannot be forced into particular
channels; and whenever the attempt has
been made, it has usually been unsuccessful.
Never make acquaintances in coffee-houses
or other public places. As no person who respects
himself does so, you may reasonably suspect any
advances made to you.
An adherence to Etiquette is a mark of
respect; if a man be worth knowing, he is surely
worth the trouble to approach properly. It will
likewise relieve you from the awkwardness of
being acquainted with people of whom you might
at times be ashamed, or be obliged under many
circumstances to “cut.”
The act of “cutting” can only be justified by
some strong instance of bad conduct in the person
to be cut; a cold bow, which discourages familiarity
without offering insult, is the best mode to
adopt towards those with whom an acquaintance
is not deemed desirable. An increased observance
of ceremony is, however, the most delicate way
of withdrawing from an acquaintance; and the
person so treated must be obtuse, indeed, who
does not take the hint.
A neglect of, or an adherence to, the forms of
society, in others towards yourself, is oftentimes
the only way in which you are enabled to judge if
your acquaintance be really considered desirable.
You will meet with professions of civility and
friendship in the world as mere matters of course;
and were you to act upon what people say, instead
of what they do, you would run a risk of being
mortified, which no person of proper pride would
choose to encounter; especially if the other party
be, or assume to be, of higher rank than yourself.
We never knew a person, really desirous of forming
a friendship with another, neglect, either by word
or deed, the means of accomplishing such an object.
It is, however, understood in society, that a
person who has been properly introduced to you,
has some claim on your good offices in future; you
cannot therefore slight him without good reason,
and the chance of being called to an account for it.