Gentle Discipline: Using Emotional Connection--Not Punishment--to Raise Confident, Capable Kids - Softcover

Sarah Ockwell-Smith is a popular parenting expert whose blog (at SarahOckwell-Smith.com) is read by two million parents each year. A trained prenatal teacher, birth and postnatal doula, and pediatric homeopath, she is also the cofounder of GentleParenting.com. She lives in with her family, including four school-age children along with cats and assorted farm animals, in a 350-year-old cottage in rural Essex, UK.

Chapter 1

Why Children Misbehave

In this chapter, we will look at the most common reasons for misbehavior-that is, children's behavior that is deemed undesirable and difficult. It is impossible to discipline gently and effectively without a good understanding of the triggers of misbehavior. Far too many experts concentrate on "fixing the problem" without helping parents understand why it happened in the first place. Any discipline that focuses solely on "the solution" actually disempowers you as a parent. Remember that a good teacher has a good understanding of their subject, and to achieve this they must first take the place of the student. Understanding the reasons for your child's undesirable behavior is the starting point for knowing how to improve it. So with our student hats on, let's step into the world of the child and try to understand things from his point of view.

Do you ever tantrum? As adults we tend to refer to our own tantrums as "losing control," "exploding," or "meltdowns." Similar words are used to describe tantrums in the teenage years. The fact is that everyone, regardless of age, has to deal with overwhelming emotions from time to time, and some cope with them better than others. In fact, we often expect behavior from our kids that we are not fully capable of ourselves.

Life is difficult and confusing. We all have a lot to deal with on a daily basis, and if we as adults don't navigate the journey perfectly at all times, then we shouldn't demand that our children do. So accepting that your child will have meltdowns and tantrums, just as you do sometimes, is perhaps the best way forward. Resetting your expectations, starting with the baseline that everyone misbehaves from time to time, is a great starting point.

In chapter 3 we will look at the neurological basis of behavior and how this changes during childhood. The human brain differs dramatically from babies to teens to adults, which means it is unrealistic to expect children to behave in the same manner as adults. Perhaps the largest difference is in the area responsible for impulse control and regulation of emotions-which is why resetting expectations for behavior so that they are age appropriate is so fundamental to gentle discipline. For the remainder of this chapter, however, we will focus on nonneurological causes of undesirable behavior, although the two are always linked. There are undoubtedly environmental triggers, but a child's brain-whether she is a teen or a toddler-is not like that of an adult, and this immaturity will always play a role in her undesirable behavior, simply because she cannot control her actions as well as an adult can.

Physiological Behavior Triggers

Have you observed that particular triggers of your child's behavior are of a physiological nature? My children are all noticeably more cranky when they are tired, hungry, or when they've had too much screen time. I can also tell when they have had friendship issues or trouble at school by their behavior. Knowing their triggers allows me to prepare for, preempt, and-sometimes-avoid any related bad behavior. It also helps me to not take their behavior personally. From the child's point of view, it's useful if they can recognize and avoid triggers independently, without parental help, although it is the parents' role to teach them about these initially. While toddlers, preschoolers, and even infants might understand the negative effects of certain behaviors, it is quite unlikely that they will always be able to avoid them without parental help. But in the tween (roughly ages eight to thirteen) and teen years, children can become quite proficient at avoiding certain triggers without any adult input.

So let's explore some common behavior triggers in children of all ages. They are in no particular order, and the list is by no means complete. Remember that each child is unique, and that his or her triggers reflect this; finding your child's own particular triggers is what's most important.

Diet

For many kids, diet can play a tremendous role in their behavior, and parents often notice significant changes after focusing on this for several weeks. Despite popular opinion, sugar does not make children hyperactive. It is undoubtedly not healthy, but poor behavior is frequently wrongly blamed on a "sugar rush." Conversely, low blood sugar, or rather, low blood-glucose levels, may affect behavior. The body releases a compensatory amount of adrenaline in response to a fall in blood glucose, known as hypoglycemia. This chain of events can cause a negative change in behavior-a phenomenon sometimes referred to as being "hangry," a combination of hunger and anger, largely caused by the change in glucose and adrenaline levels. Simply making sure that children avoid becoming overly hungry can often have a positive effect on behavior.

One specific dietary factor that can have an effect on behavior is artificial additives. While the varieties are too numerous to explore in depth here, it's important to note that chemical additives, such as those found in breakfast cereals, chips, candy, juices, and even children's medicines, have been linked to hyperactivity. If you suspect your child may be affected, be sure to check the ingredients lists on the product packaging and speak to your pediatrician.

Deficiencies in diet can also play a part. In 2013, research on nearly five hundred children between seven and nine years old found that low levels of omega-3, long-chain polyunsaturated fats were associated with increased behavior problems, a lowered reading ability, and poorer memory.

If you suspect that your child's behavior may be worsened by dietary triggers, the place to start is with a food diary, noting everything your child eats and their behavior daily over a couple of weeks. This can help to provide insight into any negative reaction to foods, particularly additives. Analyzing their diet can also help to identify any nutritional deficiencies. Ideally, all of your child's nutritional needs will be met via their diet. Omega-3, for instance, can be found in oily fish, such as mackerel, salmon, and tuna, as well as flaxseeds, which can be easily added to breakfast cereals. But when that's not the case, a nutritionist can advise on supplements that might help to prevent hyperactive behavior due to dietary deficiencies.

Lack of Sleep

Have you noticed a change in your child's behavior when they are tired? Toddlers who have skipped a nap tend to be grouchy, short-tempered, and sometimes clumsy. The same is true at any age (including us adults). I can always tell when my teenager has had a late night for exactly the same reasons.

But how long should your child sleep? No one really knows. At best, experts can provide fairly broad ranges for each age; however, sleep needs are unique, and while some kids function perfectly well on eight hours' sleep in a twenty-four-hour period, others may need closer to twelve. The following table, based on advice from the National Sleep Foundation, is a good guide to sleep needs by age:

Bedtimes that are too early, as well as too late, can mean that a child will not get enough sleep. If they are put to bed before their body is biologically ready for sleep, research shows that they take longer to fall asleep and are more likely to wake overnight. A good bedtime for kids under eleven years of age is somewhere between eight and nine o'clock. Teenagers, on the other hand, are not biologically ready for sleep until much later. Research shows that the sleep patterns of thirteen- and fourteen-year-olds undergo a phase delay-that is, a tendency toward sleeping at later times. This applies to both bedtime and wake time, with a typical sleep onset time of eleven o'clock at night. The problem here is that at this age most children still need at least eight or nine hours' sleep per night, yet they are expected to get up for school. The early school start is at odds with their biological sleep needs, which invariably means that they go to school having had too little sleep-and this sleep deficit can create or contribute to many behavioral issues.

In addition to bedtimes, another major issue kids struggle with when trying to get enough sleep is lighting. Research has shown that blue, or short-wave, light sources trick the brain into thinking it is still daytime and inhibit the body's secretion of the sleep hormone melatonin. Any night-lights in your child's room that are not red (in terms of the light emitted) can inhibit their sleep. Red light is the only one that does not inhibit the secretion of melatonin. And it's not just conventional lighting that causes an issue with sleep-screens such as televisions, smartphones, and tablets also emit large amounts of blue light. So these devices keep children awake due to biological responses, as well as the obvious temptation to play on them. Screens have no place in your child's bedroom, or even in the hour or two leading up to bedtime.

Sensory Overload

Have you ever felt overwhelmed by your environment? Perhaps a place filled with many different smells, loud sounds, and lots of people bumping into you? I personally find the London Underground to be a bit of an assault on my senses, and whenever I travel into London I am always grumpy and exhausted for the remainder of the day.

Many years ago, I was exhibiting at a baby show in a very large hall that was lit by rows of spotlight tracks suspended from the ceiling, bathing everything in high levels of artificial light. My stall was located next to the stage where several product demonstrations and fashion shows took place throughout the day, all accompanied by loud music, while the smells of toiletries, aromatherapy, and curry from a nearby food stall filled the air. At least a thousand people attended, jostling one another and navigating strollers and baby gear through the busier areas. At the end of each day's exhibiting, I went home with a pounding headache due to the sensory overload, while almost all of the visitors at my stall complained that their children were grumpy, grizzly, and irritable, although most greeted me with, "Hi, I'm sorry, I don't know why my child is so unhappy." I told them all to look up at the bright lights and imagine how they would feel if they were reclining in a stroller and staring at them throughout their visit. Then I asked them to imagine being surrounded by hundreds of pairs of legs bumping into them and trying to sleep through the throbbing music and the cries of other children in their ears. And then I asked if they would feel irritable in the same situation. Sometimes stepping into the shoes of your child can give you all the answers you need.

Now imagine how your child feels when she starts school for the first time at the age of four or five. At nursery or preschool she was used to a small space and probably fewer children. Once they start school they are, for one thing, the youngest, usually out of at least a hundred children. The buildings are bigger and the sounds amplified. Is it any wonder that they struggle with feelings of being totally overwhelmed?

Imagine going through all of this again at the age of eleven. Starting middle school is by far the most difficult transition for most kids. If you found yourself in a new environment and battling to make sense of it all, you might find that you were grumpy and short tempered at the end of the day too. And imagine that you've been trying hard to "keep it together" all day, but now that you're home, with those you love and trust, you can finally "let it all out" and release your authentic emotions.

So many children go through this when they start a new school, yet their parents don't understand why they are irritable and "naughty" when they get home. They complain of school reports that speak of a child who's polite and mature, yet at home they are anything but. This behavior is common and understandable-the child is finally home from day care or school and feels it is safe to drop the fa ade in the presence of people she loves and trusts. For parents this can be hard to handle, especially if they believe that the child is being "naughty on purpose." In fact, her behavior shows what a great job the parents are doing, by making the child feel secure and supported enough to be able to show her true emotions.

While most children will battle with feelings of being overwhelmed at particular moments and transitions, there are others who struggle on a daily basis. Research has shown that one out of six children experiences auditory and tactile sensory symptoms serious enough to negatively impact everyday life. Further research conducted in the United States has shown that one in twenty children experiences sensory processing disorder (SPD), often described as a disorganization of sensory signals and responses in the brain, affecting different senses. Children with SPD may find it harder to process auditory or tactile stimuli or cope with sensations. This can manifest in either an over- or an underresponse. For instance, some children may find it very hard to cope with certain fabrics touching their skin, to the point where they find it unbearable. Some may find certain lighting or sounds disturbing and some may not process certain sensations, such as heat and cold, and thus expose themselves to dangerous situations. No one cause of SPD is known; however, it is likely to be a result of a combination of genetics and environmental influences and situations.

Symptoms of SPD are often found on a spectrum, with some more severe than others. As babies and toddlers, children with SPD are often described as "fussy" or "very high need." They can often struggle with sleep and eating and may cry to be held, but then arch away once in their parents' arms. They can also often be extremely active, yet slow to achieve physical milestones; in the toddler years, toilet training can be very difficult. As they grow up, eating and sleeping problems may continue and they can experience more tantrums than average as they strive to cope with stimulation. Body contact with others can be challenging too and they are said to "overreact" to different experiences. They can often seem to be uncoordinated and find it hard to master fine motor skills.

Treatment for SPD is multifaceted and often involves occupational therapy and a therapeutic, sensory-rich environment to help to challenge children in a fun and safe way. Many parents also report success with alternative approaches with complementary therapies. Sensory objects that can help a child to cope on an everyday basis, especially at school, include special "chewy" jewelry, stress balls, and "fiddle" objects that aid concentration and fulfill their sensory needs in a socially acceptable way.